Why am i already panicking so bad about this meal plan? i have been getting so worked up about it all day and its making me freak out so bad. I feel like this is a meal plan thats going to make me huge and i’m scared to trust it


Before you judge someone with an eating disorder, just take a moment to consider how sad, scary and lonely life is when all that matters is what you ate today…

My nutritionist wants me to try and go back to following the meal plan i was on last time i was in treatment. Its a weight gain meal plan, so that stresses me out a TON, but she is hoping if i can just try and stick to that, it’ll take out some of the overthinking i’ve been doing and i can get back on a good eating pattern. She started to mention the possibility of treatment this summer, but hasn’t said she thinks its 100% necessary yet. She just said that if i went for an assessment, they would def recommend PHP or IOP. I’m really nervous to go back to following a meal plan because it seems like so much food and i’m not comfortable with it at all. Im going to try though because i cannot keep living like this. Hopefully it doesn’t feel super overwhelming and i can handle it well

✿ ✿

  • Daisy: How old were you when you had your first kiss?
  • Carnation: If I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer?
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  • Orange Blossom: If you could pick the gender and appearance of your child, would you?
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  • Oxlip: Would you ever get into a long distance relationship?
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  • Daffodil: What's the most thoughtful present you've ever received?
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  • Amsonia: Would you ever become a vegan?
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  • Tulip: For your birthday, what kind of cake do you ask for?
  • Myrtle: Do you like going on airplanes?
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Reblogged from She's Been Set Free
You cannot find peace by avoiding life.
— Virginia Woolf (via chronic—hope)
Reblogged from Beauty in Suffering

Has anyone ever been to an Eating Disorder Anonymous meeting? can you tell me what its like/if you would recommend going to one? I found one not far from met but i’m nervous about it. I am just desperately in need of more support and i don’t know what to do


Note to self: playing with BMI calculators is not a good use of your time and will make you want to beat your head against the wall to knock the information out of your head permanently (which will not in fact work).

Reblogged from I am set free.

The amount of panic I feel right now is ridiculous. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. It makes me feel hopeless

Ugh too much feel

i fucking hate how nervous people make me like i can’t even walk down the road without feeling judged and that is just ridiculous 

Reblogged from I WANT THIS

My doctor wants me to get a chest xray because my breathing has been difficult for over a week and neither medicine she prescribed has helped much. I feel like I can’t get enough air in and my couch is super dry and sounds suffocating. I still feel like an idiot for needing an xray though. I just want to be able to breathe better

meh possible tw? 

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So my  coach wants to have a team meeting on eating disorders tomorrow morning. she told me i don’t have to go and my nutritionist, who is running the meeting, said i don’t have to go either. however, i’m freaking out because i feel like if i’m not there, everyone is going to suspect the reason why i’m not there. i feel like it ry so hard to hide this from people and i’m so afraid that people know and will just think it more if i don’t go. But i know if i go it’ll probably trigger me or make me feel SO extremely uncomfortable. Can someone PLEASE help me out? am i being ridiculous and stupid for not wanting to go? what do you think i should do?

My nutritionist appointment wasn’t nearly as awful as i expected. My weight dropped a bit, but if i can maintain by thursday, i’ll still be allowed to race this weekend. She wasn’t overly angry or anything which i was super thankful for. We talked it out and decided it was in part due to me being sick for the last 5 days. But she said since i’m starting to feel a bit better, i have no excuse. I know this is true, so i really am going to try and put in my best effort to try and eat right over the next few days.

Also, my therapist yesterday suggested i challenge myself this week and try and eat a donut, which is one of my biggest fear foods. I talked to my nutritionist about it and she thinks its a really good idea. So looks like at some point this week, i will be challenging myself to something that is so scary  but also something that i want to have. I have how one stupid food item has such strong control over  me, but hopefully i can at least try and have some of it this week.  My nutritionist suggested trying to eat it when i feel like i actually want one, because yesterday i reallllly wanted one but was so afraid to eat it that i ended up getting something “better” and not what i wanted. 

baby steps.

Meeting with my nutritionist in about an hour and i’m panicking so much already. I hate how much stress these meetings cause me. I hate being weighed because no matter what the number is, i will never be happy with it. Its so frustrating. I have managed to avoid the scale all week but now i’m so nervous because i have no idea what it will say to her when i meet. I am not allowed to know the number and iam supposed to avoid the scale, but i’m so panicked. I hate the one stupid stupid number can determine so much about how i feel. Its actually stupid. its a number. A FUCKING NUMBER! and it controls WAY too much of my life.

in other news, i have had a respiratory infection since last week and am on a crap ton of meds now so i’m actually starting to feel a little better and can breathe a little more now. Yay for modern medicine! 

hope you all have a good tuesday!

note to myself


Weighing yourself is always a bad idea. No matter how strong you are, how recovered you are, how a perfect day you have or how motivated you are; It is ALWAYS a badterriblehorribleworst idea.

Scales are for fish, dont be a fish. Go love yourself instead.